What Feels Good

Okay, so here is the thing: I know what feels good for me and what doesn’t. Yet, somehow, I stubbornly resist doing things that fit in that former category for a chance to engage in activities in the latter.

For instance, I like watching reality TV. It’s a guilty pleasure but pleasure, nonetheless.

However, its never just “OK I watched this one episode and now its time to engage in worthwhile activities and step under the sun and live my best life”. No. I simply cannot seem to be able to leave it at a healthy dose. Once I start, it’s going down. I will binge watch for hours and not even mind the fact that I have not had a real interaction with another human being in far too long. I wish I could justify this habit by saying that “I am a non-quitter who likes her alone time”, this is all B.S. Over-doing something that adds minimal value to your life AND takes the place of other activities that could actually be of importance is simply silly. What’s more, I realize that being stuck at home and, on some level, aware that I have been wasting my time, puts me in a bad mood. It makes me want to eat, as a means to distract me away from the discomfort that I have created for myself. This, in turn, makes me feel even worse. The result: an anxious mess who knows the finale of the Bachelorette. Woo-hoo. I can’t wait to share the wisdom I have accumulated over the many hours of watching other people’s love lives, after it has been edited and tweaked 100 times so that any potential of it being somewhat educational (in terms of human psyche) is out the door. Yay!!!!!

Haha, jokes aside, I am being way too hard on myself on purpose. This is the only way I can motivate myself to change this behavior. Being aggressively honest about how bad it makes me feel and writing it down so that it is impossible for me to ignore. Furthermore, by laying it all out there, as I am doing here, for others to see, I am setting myself up for success: research shows that telling others about our new goals makes it more likely that we will actually take steps to reach those goals. But I am sure you already knew that. So yes, you can, in fact, say that I am somewhat using you here. You are, unknowingly, being used by me to help me become the best version of me. So thanks.

Now that I have talked about a habit from the “doesn’t feel good” category, I want to mention something from the “feels good” category.

Working out, whether it be an evening 3-mile run (which is what I have been doing almost everyday for the last 2 months) or a random 15 squats in between chores or studying, makes me feel on top of the clouds. It helps me get rid of all of my excess energy, as well as negative– AND FALSE– thoughts (these tend to be especially around body image, since I recently suffered from an eating disorder and am still recovering from the associated body dysmorphia). I realize that on days that I engage in physical activities, I can see the reality, which is that I am beautiful and joyful and energetic and quirky. I deserve my own love and that’s ultimately the only thing I need in my life to be consistent. Everybody strives for happiness in this world. Some people think they need money. To advance in their career. To gain fame. Others may think they need to find their soulmate.

I know (because I can feel in my gut) that what I need (and the ONLY thing, at that) to have happy experiences is my own respect and love towards myself. (Right now, I like myself a lot. But I need to fall in love with myself. It may sound funny that I am using these words, which we are used to hearing to discuss two separate people, but I think it is all nothing but fakery if we cannot accomplish it with ourselves first. And I am talking about real love, here. Not just the flirting or the honeymoon stage or infatuation. I want the real deal. A love that will last a life time.)

So, why am I writing this post?

Well, aside from using you as a lab rat in my own strive for self-love and bliss, I am using this platform to do 3 things I like: reflect, write, and set goals.

Here are some new goals:

1. No more binge-watching anything. (I don’t care if it’s a documentary. I don’t care if it’s a movie marathon. I am going outside to take a walk.)
2. Anytime I think of being active, I will be. (even if its 3 push-ups or 10 jumping jacks).
3. Any time body dysmorphia seems to kick in, I will hug myself until I snap into reality.

If you had to set a few goals for yourself right now, what would they be? Feel free to say it out loud or write them down. If you feel like it, I would also love to hear about them so feel free to send me a message.

Cheers to being in love with ourselves.