Fear and Confidence– The same side of the coin?

I never thought I would be depressed. I never thought I would have an eating disorder. Yet, both of these things happened to me and AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.

My aunt recently asked me, “Why haven’t you told me?”. I think that’s what depression is: not asking for help when you should. Feeling lonely yet wanting to remain that way. Not wanting to share as much as you used to. Turning down suggestions to hang out. Maybe not even realizing that you are depressed.

What made me finally see that I was depressed, for instance, was something that my mom said over the phone. We were talking and I made a silly joke (as I often do) and laughed uncontrollably at my own joke for a long time (also, as I often do). When I apologized for laughing so hard, she told me “Why are you apologizing? This is what you USED TO DO all the time.”

That comment hit me hard. We hung up and I still kept thinking about it. “What I used to do”. She was right: I had stopped laughing. I had stopped being silly. I had stopped joking around. I was no longer feeling childish and lighthearted. In fact, I felt heavy- in all meanings of that word.

Today, I am no longer depressed. I also overcame my eating disorder. This means, I am back to being “high on life”, having cringy dad jokes, and teaching my friends patience with my laugh attacks that may last way longer than they hoped.

Later in that conversation with my aunt, I told her that now that two things I thought would never happen to me happened to me (and I successfully emerged out of both undesirable experiences), I am both more confident and more fearful.

Confident because I tackled two extremely difficult obstacles in my life and I now have all the more respect for myself and trust that I can overcome even more obstacles.

Fearful because I know I am not immune to anything. Anything and everything can happen at any time. Things that I used to say “never” to are, in fact, possible. With more experience, comes more knowledge about the dangers of the world.

My aunt said this is what life is about- gaining confidence and experience (which brings knowledge and fear along with it). She said not to worry about being more fearful, as long as it doesn’t limit my actions and my goals. Fear can be a good thing if you let it teach you rather than stop you. Nelson Mandela seems to agree:

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
— Nelson Mandela